So Anyway, These Three Death Eaters Walk Into a Bar
by TheTitaniumSerpent
Summary: Lame jokes, cursing, a ridiculous AU, short one-shot. SSHG: if you don't like the 'ship, don't read.


I've no beta. I have three people to thank for inspiration: my husband with some ideas last night, the idea for a spell-powered orgasm snatched from "In the Shadow of Your Wings" by QueenOfTheDreamers87 (read that one and the sequel if you like Snamione, it's incredible and one of my absolutely favourite SSHG-fics), and KIT10_not_K9 for the idea of a dancing and singing Bella. And while J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter, but she'd never use her lovely characters this way, so I'm not her and I don't earn a cent from this, more's the pity.

I had to do another one of lame jokes after "So Anyway, These Two Dark Lords Walk into the Room of Requirement".

* * *

Severus Snape took another sip from his glass of Firewhiskey. The Hog's Head was quiet today, and he'd taken a corner table with Rabastan LeStrange. They'd gone through a few shots, served by the goat-loving Aberforth Dumbledore, but Severus was pacing himself for a long evening. He had absolutely no desire to show his face at Hogwarts tonight, with Hermione visiting her parents. He was skiving off patrolling duties, and if Albus wanted to complain, he could complain to his own arse.

Rabastan had just ordered another round when another wizard sat down on their table. To their great surprise they realised they were staring at Bartemius Crouch Junior, who'd supposedly been Kissed by a Dementor a few of years back. The wizard, however, seemed to be alive and well, and was grinning. He was also holding his own drink.

Rabastan had pulled his wand almost as fast as Severus, although not quite, and was aiming to his face. Severus had aimed his on Crouch's crotch, and had prepared to fire a powerful Severing charm at the drop of a pointy hat. "Who are you?" Rabastan demanded fiercely, his wand ready and eyes narrowed.

"It's me, Bas," said the man who looked like Barty Crouch.

"We happen to know that Bartemius Crouch got kissed by a Dementor," countered Rabastan. "Tell me something only Barty would know."

"Snogged him right back, didn't I?" Barty replied, shrugging. "I know your brother liked wearing corsets, for one."

"Half the Slytherin knew that," Bas replied evenly, "and then many Ravenclaws when Wilkes sold that piece of blackmail for some completed homework. Try again."

"Fine. What about..." Barty whispered something in Rabastan's ear. Rabastan's jaw went slack.

"I didn't know that. That's just... disgusting. Nope, that won't work. Try again."

"Fine. The reason why the Longbottoms went insane was because Rodolphus decided to shed his robes and wore the black corset underneath. The one with the pink bows, and the matching knickers that revealed his hairy cheeks? And then, fuck, then Bella decided to sing. My own mind almost broke at that. The Crucio was pretty lame compared to that. Thank fuck I didn't look at Rodolphus."

Bas pocketed his wand. "Fuck, it's you... it is him, Severus. What the hell happened, Barty? What about the Dementor?"

"I said I snogged him back."

"And that worked?"

"Well, yeah. It was either a male and straight, or female and gay. Hard to tell with 'em."

"Or perhaps it just had better taste," Severus remarked, and Bas laughed.

"So, what the hell, guys?" Barty asked. "Potter's graduated last year, Dumbledore rots in his grave and the war's still going on? What the fuck are you doing?"

"We're... well, we're following orders, aren't we?" Bas said, looking a bit guilty.

"From the Dark Lord? Really? Shouldn't you, you know, be attacking them Mudbloods and enslaving them Muggles?"

"I've got an attack scheduled tomorrow," said Bas. "There's another attack tonight, but I'm not on shift, more's the pity."

"What fucking shift? The fuck you talking about?" Crouch asked.

"Haven't you spoken with the Dark Lord?" Severus countered.

"Nah. There's this one Dementor... I've been ducking him for ages. Or her, fuck knows. Wants a snog and doesn't care if I snog back. Likes it too. Disgusting. Ugly fucker, believe me, under the hood."

Severus and Rabastan both shivered with disgust. Apparently there were worse fates than being just Kissed. Being Kissed repeatedly, for one...

"Well, there's the new plan, really," Bas explained. "It's directly from the Dark Lord. We kinda... we'll wear them down."

"Wear them down?!" Barty yelled. "Wear them... I saw a bunch of them here, right at Hogsmeade! Happy as can be, shopping at The Three Broomsticks and Honeydukes! Seemed fine to me, not at all worn down."

"Well yeah, gotta give them time to recover too. Ain't easy, that spell of theirs."

"What spell?" asked Crouch irritably.

"The spell... THAT spell."

"What. Spell."

"Well, you know... the orgasm spell."

"The what now?"

"It was that Mudbl..." Bas began, but a quick glance at Snape had him stop, before he corrected, "that Muggle-Born Granger who invented it. One day we attacked a bunch of them and wham, they hexed us right and good, only it weren't the Jelly-Leg Jinx and Expelliarmus and other such shite they teach you at Hogwarts. Oh no, this new Charm of theirs hits you like a ton and then, oh boy, you come all over for a pretty fucking fabulously long time. And I bloody mean it! Best fucking orgasm you'll ever get, jizz in your robes or not. That's what a Tergeo is for, anyway."

"And you just gave up? After one little Hex?"

"Oh no we didn't. We went back for more. And the next day, and the next," Bas sniggered.

"They use it every time?"

"They do," Severus replied. "Can't properly attack when you're busy coming in your undies. The Dark Lord was brassed off until he got hit by one himself."

"And now?"

"Now we've got a schedule. If we all go back every day, the charm isn't that strong. They get tired too. Everyone has a chance to attack every third day. Except the Dark Lord. He attacks them daily."

"The fuck..." Barty whispered, his voice caught somewhere between awe, disgust and curiosity.

"Works pretty well," said Bas defensively. "Dumbledore died, rotted alive. Nobody really cared in the end that the old fuck died. He kept whinging about how wrong and immoral it all was, how the Greater Good didn't include wand-gasms, but who the fuck cared, really? Something about his hand and arm. The Dark Lord is pretty mellow these days. Hasn't given any of us a single punishment for months, I tell you! Months! Well, he had Avery iron his robes with Muggle appliances two months back, but that doesn't really count, does it? Even if Avery did manage to burn himself with the small machine and crushed his fingers in that... what's that folding table-thingy called, Sev?"

"Ironing board," Severus replied.

"Yeah, that," Bas confirmed. "Bloody vicious-looking invention if you ask me."

"So now you just take turns to attack them?"

"Yeah," said Bas with another shrug. "We gather, and then the Dark Lord chooses the one he wants to hex him, and the rest of us form a queue." Bas sniggered. "The Dark Lord doesn't want a male hexing him, nor a Mud... Muggle-Born. His loss," he added. "Who cares if you get hexed by a witch or a wizard? Some of those wizards are pretty damn powerful, and the wand-gasm is still a wand-gasm. It's your own robes you come in."

"And Potter?"

"Pretty damn insulted when the Dark Lord told him to fuck off. He prefers to have his girlfriend, that redhead, hex him instead."

"Redhead? Can't see dear Bella being too happy about that."

"She wasn't. Rod never cared for her and now that the Dark Lord doesn't either, she took a divorce and buggered off to America. Last I heard she got an abortion and was driving around LA in a taxi. Skeeter reported she'd been wailing some Muggle song... 'Back in Black,' I think, and was attended by something called 'cabana boys', three of them. Good riddance, that bitch was barmy."

Severus sniggered maliciously.

"You ain't said much, Sevvy," Barty said. "You attack them too, like a good little boy?"

"No," Severus said with a smirk. "I don't need to."

"He's engaged to Granger," Bas commented.

"What?! The Mudb..."

"Watch your language," warned Severus, his voice a vicious hiss.

"He's not joking," Barty added. "Nearly sliced off Mulciber's tongue last month for using that word."

"But the Dark Lord..."

"Doesn't care. Granger invented the charm anyway. Blessed, blessed charm..." Bas said with relish, and Barty glared at him. "What?! Don't judge before you've had one. I tell you, it's worth it. Anyway, Sev doesn't have to attack, he gets plenty at home."

"So your bride hexes you daily?" Barty asked Severus with disgust.

"No," replied Severus with a smug smirk on his face. "How do you think she invented the whole thing? She knows things, that girl."

"Lucky fucker, our Sev," Bas added from the side. "Anyway, it's good for morale. We've never had as many members in our ranks. Even Narcissa Malfoy wanted to get Marked, and you know how vain that bitch is with her skin. There's some problems with scheduling, though. Not many want to participate in the same attack as their sons and daughters, and vice versa."

"I'll bet."

"Come with me tomorrow," suggested Bas. "You'll see."

"I just might, though something invented by a Mudblood..." Barty began, when Severus interrupted, looking through the window behind Barty's back.

"Is that a Dementor out there?" he asked nonchalantly. "At Hogsmeade at this hour?"

"FUCK!" Barty howled and buggered off like his pants were on fire, ducking out the back door. A few goats bleated in protest, and judging by the sounds at least one of them tripped Crouch and another one bit him.

"What Dementor?" asked Bas. "Where? I can't see any. It's daylight anyway."

Severus simply smirked.


End file.
